And I’ve decided that I will wait and be patient for things to happen, for you to present yourself, for me to be swept off my feet.
After watching a tad too many romantic series, I seem to be craving for some romantic initiation, be it serendipity or just for me to see you in that light.
I’ve realized that I have been loving sparingly. And that I haven’t risked in a long while. In Filipino, Hindi na ako lumulundag patungo at para sa pag-ibig. I seem to have been paralysed under everything that has happened. I have been jaded. And I don’t want that. I will not be that person.
This is for you who has touched me, indirectly. You have the capacity to love tenderly, unsparingly and most of all deeply. Even if love is a cautious tale which erodes dreams and youthfulness, still you choose to love. And I admire that about you. Thank you for showing me that the risk, although insurmountable is always worth taking.
and that destruction in the course of loving someone will always be graceful and majestic.
Alam mo yung pakiramdam na ikaw lang talaga ang may paki sa sarili mo at wala nang iba.
When it hits, it won’t be anything you’ve felt before. It will be a new low.
It won’t be flashy or sudden or anything verbose. It won’t be a great (or a negative of that) ending. But it will scar you. It will batter you nonetheless.
It will be a slow terror that will seep inside your skin. It will be gradual. It will eat at you for many days, weeks, months and even years. Slowly with little increments of pain. As you go through it, little by little you are assured that it is a dead end. You might try to hide it, but you’re on a downard slope. And you will be left broken beyond repair.
Knowing that everything you did was a cut back, or even if it was all you had it will never be enough. This was bound to fail and you see it now.
You see that she isn’t there as you’d want her to be. And even if you try it won’t happen. You can’t change her, you can’t say that she’s not enough. It’s just not working. Because saying that you are made inadequate isn’t the truth. It’s because she is inadequate that you are left reeling. She can’t be not enough when you love her. When you want her to be that person, but she isn’t cutting it.
Given the question if I could marry her. Oh how I wish she is enough. How I wish that she is the one. How I wish that I won’t have to break her heat. How I wish that love is enough. But it isn’t. She isn’t. And I can’t move forward from that.
I just can’t
Sadness strike and I’m about to go under
Momentarily depression will tear me asunder
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