New Year in the Philippines
The view of the Metro Manila skyline from Monterey Hills in San Mateo, Rizal.
Photographed by: Paolo Nacpil
Things that keep me excited during Christmas season are gifts. I shall not lie that I want to get Christmas gifts.
I do want to get gifts and I maybe greedy or materialistic in saying so, but more often than not, these gifts are what I use in the coming year.. I’m not much of a prodigal when it comes to my possessions and at times I don’t buy when I see that my wardrobe, gadgets and furnitures are enough.
Should I want more for myself? Should I demand more for myself?
On an unrelated note, there was one time wherein I almost cried because an employee from Uniqlo asked how I was feeling. Well I guess it made me feel special again in a long time. That was the first time in a long time when somebody asked me how’s it going.
Maybe that’s why I get upset when I don’t receive gifts, or worse, gifts that were wrapped just so I could fit the bill.
Again, side note, I was given a kiddy spiderman mug. A fuckin’ mug. What am I? 8 years old? Did they even think of me when they fucking bought the gift? or they’d just saw a spare gift item and thought I could use it.
I do like gifts, but the thing that I like about them the most, aside from their obvious utility to me is the thoughtfulness behind it. For a second (no this’ll be for a whole year), nobody remembered me. I’m just a generic family member who’s just there. I’m a nobody important enough just to be mentioned.
Last side note. In my family, when graduation comes, money flies. Those to graduate the next year receives monetary reward for their accomplishments. And I’m graduating. I mustered my strength to ask my tito’s and tita’s. Next year nalang raw pag graduate na. Sige lang, parang last year lang nang makagraduate mga pinsan ko. At bet ko nung araw nila hindi kayo nagmamadaling umuwi. hindi niyo pinagpaliban kasi alam ninyong importante yun. It’s not about the monetary amount, but the expected reward for a job well done. Its the importance you place on that person that’s why you give them something.
And again I’m forgotten.
It’s like I and what I do doesn’t count for shit. I don’t leverage my success or progress, but not even noticing me feels like what I do, what I strive for is nothing, worse than failure, it’s nothing.
Pagtapos noon, ako’y uutusan lang ng uutusan hanggang mapagod lang ako pota. For fuck’s sake, I should be enjoying this holiday season. And here I am treated like a fucking servant. I do my chores and I do a great job in accomplishing them, but I’m not a servant.
I want to get asked as to how I’m doing. I want to get asked if I’m alright. I want to get asked if I’d like anything and if I’m not dying or attempting suicide. I want to be asked if I’m fine.
Parang kinatulong nalang ako eh. hindi man lang ako kinakamusta kung anong nangyayari sa buhay ko.
Gusto ko lang maramdaman na minamahal ako at hindi lang ako isang pabigat. ‘tangina naman o.
Tangina.. kamustahin niyo naman ako.. Iparamdam niyo naman na importante ako..
Munich, Germany (by One_Penny)
What keeps me unhinged.. or more of unable to communicate would be the burden of myself. Opening up means dumping shit onto someone. Must not could not , should not. Who’d ever take my mantle and carry me? Maybe I’m just skeptical.. maybe i’m just full of doubts
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