When it hits, it won’t be anything you’ve felt before. It will be a new low.
It won’t be flashy or sudden or anything verbose. It won’t be a great (or a negative of that) ending. But it will scar you. It will batter you nonetheless.
It will be a slow terror that will seep inside your skin. It will be gradual. It will eat at you for many days, weeks, months and even years. Slowly with little increments of pain. As you go through it, little by little you are assured that it is a dead end. You might try to hide it, but you’re on a downard slope. And you will be left broken beyond repair.
Knowing that everything you did was a cut back, or even if it was all you had it will never be enough. This was bound to fail and you see it now.
You see that she isn’t there as you’d want her to be. And even if you try it won’t happen. You can’t change her, you can’t say that she’s not enough. It’s just not working. Because saying that you are made inadequate isn’t the truth. It’s because she is inadequate that you are left reeling. She can’t be not enough when you love her. When you want her to be that person, but she isn’t cutting it.
Given the question if I could marry her. Oh how I wish she is enough. How I wish that she is the one. How I wish that I won’t have to break her heat. How I wish that love is enough. But it isn’t. She isn’t. And I can’t move forward from that.
I just can’t
Sadness strike and I’m about to go under
Momentarily depression will tear me asunder
craving for some intellectual stimulation.
I will ramble today and this won’t make sense but please make sense to those that matter.
Is this it? Am I ungrateful for what’s happening to me? I just can’t help feel alone in the vastness of the night. Every minute sound I can hear. Every small emotion I can’t bear. I can’t and I’m branded as weak when things, issues come rolling in. Why can’t I feel secure? Why am I searching, contemplating on leaving?
This is not dramatic, this is normal. This is me in silence. And I want to but I can’t. I can’t say these things because You should know this first and not anyone else. But You’re asleep and I want to have a deeper conversation with You but You’re asleep. I want You to see my vulnerabilities. That I am a fucking wreck. That I am doubtful. That I will wreck You. I love You so much and I want the best for You but what if we’re not the best for each other. How come I feel lonely when You sleep. How come I’m unassured. How come I want You to know but more so I don’t.
Can’t you just be happy for what you have?
You can’t go in and expect to go out unscathed. When you care, you’re hoping that you’ll be taken care of too. When you love, maybe the reason why that is so is because you want to be loved too. It’s not narcissistic. It’s just human nature. It’s not demanding on your part, it’s just natural.
I can give myself. But who’ll take care of me consequently? Who’ll see that in the middle of the night, I contemplate about leaving. That sorrow is part of my night routine and it’s what’s keeping me awake all this time. That I want to fall asleep so much so that I could put these things on hold, only to resurface in the morning. That at night, I’m distorted by my thoughts and that they just sap everything.
I’m easy to love anyone. I love until I can’t or until it’s verboten. And I know that this will be directed at millions of people soon enough. And I know that I’ll be loving this nation to the brink of me. And I know that this is my plan and I’ve laid it out. I’ve chosen this, ginusto ko ‘to. I will bleed in this choice that I’ve selected. But I choose to do this because that is all I can do, to love and concern over others.
But out of that million, out of the few right now, please see that I don’t need recognition. I need, I want appreciation and acceptance.
But then again, you won’t see this and I only surface once in a blue moon. Otherwise I’m just that smiling git from across the table, the one sitting on the sofa and laughing my ass off something petty.
So just don’t try to notice because you won’t. Don’t try to show care because I will see through it. Because I know In the end I’m of nobody’s consequence.
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